Hopeful

So today was my uncles funeral. I was very sad when I woke up and during the service could not stop crying however as soon as it was over I felt fine. It's like I got closure on the whole thing and could just get on with normal life. I almost feel guilty for not being upset any more like so many of my relatives but I just don't. I've started to see things objectively and I'm now concentrating on what I can learn from his early death. You see my uncle was obese, morbidly obese I reckon, and his life was massively affected by this. He had to have heart bi-passes and he suffered with diabetes. He died because his heart just lost the battle or perhaps gave up as it was clearly fighting a battle it knew it couldn't win. My uncle did nothing for his health, you'd think diabetes would be enough of a warning to change your ways but not for him, he continued eating and drinking all the crap artery clogging stuff because he enjoyed his lifestyle. He was very sociable and enjoyed drinking with his friends and he simply did not want to give this life up even though he was literally killing himself.

This will not happen to me.
I love food, I binge on it for gods sake but it wont kill me.
I wont let it.
This is the wake up call I have needed for a very long time.

I'm starting my life over tomorrow. I'm going to get up at a decent time not lay in bed till noon. I'm going to regularly partake in some form of exercise and not be a lazy pig any more. I'm going to stop pissing around with all the BAD food like chocolate, crisps (chips to my american friends) and greasy take-aways and substitute healthy foods like fruit, veg and fresh meat. I'm quite literally going to flip everything on its head because every aspect of my life can do with some improvement. If I feel myself slipping back to old habits I will remind myself of my uncle, go visit his grave, remember his eating habits and where they got him. I cant piss about any more. The time is now. I don't want to be six feet under at an early age because food got the better of me, NO WAY. Its time to grow up, stop acting like a child and sort my life out!

Wow, I know many of you have probably read this kind of thing over and over and its never come to anything, heavens I've even pledged this sort of thing before. However, something's different this time. Normally when I say this kind of thing I don't actually believe it myself, I know its just words, but this time I actually mean it. I want to like myself and this is the way to achieve that. Today I have lived the life of somebody who lived the life I now live (that was a mouthful!). I've seen the consequence of my actions. Continuing down this road could potentially mean I'm halfway through my life. No way. I wont let that happen.

xxxxxxxx

Feeling blue is putting it mildly

I hate that my uncle is dead.
I hate that I will never see him again.
I hate that food is my only comfort for when I feel like shit.
I hate that I'm fat.
I hate that I'm too weak to conquer it.
I hate that I'm complaining about it.
Most of all I hate having so much hatred towards so many things

Re-run

Thanks guys for all the support on my last post, its really encouraging to know you're all behind me. However, I'm very sad and disappointed to tell you that yesterday was a fail :(

I wish I could just hide away from everyone until I've lost all this weight and come out skinny. Yesterday I was struggling with the fast but I was adamant that I was going to stick it out. Then my friend came round around at lunch time and didn't leave till about 11.30pm (she has a habit of doing that). I'd told her I'd just had an early lunch so that was fine but because she stayed so long she started hassling me about eating dinner. Embarrassingly she actually heard my tummy rumbling too! I tried to make out that I wasn't feeling well and the noises were stomach cramps but she didn't believe me. She just carried on and on and on and I cracked. I couldn't deal with the persistent questioning.

I love my friend I really do but sometimes I feel that she gets some sort of comfort from me being her FAT friend. She's about 5'7" and weighs somewhere in the 130s. She's said many a time that she's not happy with her weight and she's actually had liposuction on her legs a few years back so she obviously has her own issues. Even when I've tried the healthy eating thing she's sabotaged my efforts by bringing McDonalds round to my house. I wish you can tell people in the real world that you're doing a water fast and they wouldn't look at you like you've just decided to commit suicide! I've done a lot of research on water fasts and they are even doctor recommended in some cases. I'm not an idiot, I know my body and it's capabilities.

So new plan of action. I'm starting again today and this time I'm going to plan it out. I'm going to make sure I make myself unavailable to anyone around mealtimes. If my friend just shows up unannounced and its close to a mealtime then I'll ignore her. When she texts I'll say I'm out with a friend having lunch! Even if she camps outside till I get back (believe me she's done this on more than one occasion) then I'll simply leave through my back door and walk around to the front. If she brings me food I'll grow some balls and tell her NO! I don't want that food, I'm eating healthy food now or something like that. I wont be held captive in this horrible blubber by her. Oh and I'll kick her out too if it gets too late, I'm going to need early nights whilst fasting, yesterday my energy was crazy low and I struggled just walking to town. 

So welcome to day one... again!

Keep safe everybody xxxxxx

219.8

Yay! I have so much to say...

Firstly I'm so happy that I've finally met my first goal of 220! It gives you such a boost to meet a target that you've set yourself doesn't it :) Plus this now means I've lost my 1st 10 pounds as well which is obviously the first of many but its still awesome!

Secondly thanks to the inspirational blog of crashxDburn I've decided that I'm going to start my very own water fast today. I started yesterday by easing myself into it with a juice fast and I still had my caffeinated drinks too but today will be all water. I was surprised by how easily I managed it yesterday so I'm hoping this will continue. I'm not sure how long I want to fast for but I feel it will be beneficial to at least continue through till my uncles funeral on Thursday, detox my body in preparation for how hard that day will be.

I went to a wedding do last night and I was so proud of myself. They had a buffet set out that spanned the distance of about six tables, it was quite a spread I tell you. There was chicken curry, rice, sausage rolls, potato wedges, crisps, sandwiches, roast potatoes, you name it they had it and I didn't eat any of it, not a thing :) It smelled delicious and everyone at my table had platefuls, they kept asking me over and over if I wanted anything but I just kept my story that I'd had a big dinner before I came out. I know its bad to say but I felt kind of superior and very smug sitting there watching them stuff their faces knowing that I'm shrinking as they're getting bigger. I feel so strong at the minute, I didn't even know I had it in me!

Feeling hopeful that I will feel the health benefits from this fast as I've abused my body recently with a lot a crap food and drink. I'm going to quite the ciggs too if I can whilst doing this, I want to be pure, just water, nothing else (apart from toothpaste and mouthwash!)

I hope everyones ok xxxxxx

...

Its funny how so many of us have real concern over others and their potentially destructive behaviours yet deal ourselves a completely different set of rules and boundaries... Are we caring individuals (yes) who knowingly carry out self destructive behaviours or are we simply blinded to the risks we take ourselves. Maybe we deem ourselves less important or less valuable than others? I dont know. Its late and I'm ranting... again! I cant even remember the point of this post, whoops! I need sleep.

Night night all xxx

Thank you

I've come to realise in the last few days that I can literally say whatever I want on here no matter how messed up and all I get back is a truck load of support. Thank you. In my real life nobody really knows me because I wont tell them. I wont let anyone close enough to figure out how nuts I am yet when I post on here I have no fear about your reactions, it really is a place of support, like a close nit community. I already class many of you as friends and I know exactly where I'm going to turn when I hit my next crisis!!

Today has been pants but to be quite honest I've felt so flat and down today I genuinely don't care. My mam wants me to go to the doctor so they can look at my bi-polar tendencies and perhaps diagnose me. I've only been depressed about 12 years, no biggy. I don't see the point, even if I'm diagnosed bi-polar I won't accept any meds. I've been on two different anti-depressants over the years and neither of them helped in the long term. Just got to live each day best you can and cope anyway you can. Pills cant cure everything.

My moods lifted anyway because tomorrow I get to go see my favourite sister. She lives about an hour away so I don't visit often. I love her. She's the sane person in my life that can just rationalise any drama into nonsense. I love her for that. Plus she's gorgeous and has a lovely figure and I just love to be around her. Unfortunately, about ten minutes away from where I live is my other sister and she's a total bitch! I actually cannot stand her. She's a mean, two faced, jealous arse!! Why can't they switch houses, I know my life would be a lot easier if my lovely sister was around the corner and my bitchy one was so far away I couldn't care less about her. Such is life hey?!

Love you guys xxxx

hmmm

Yesterday was a mess, I ate loads, purged and took laxatives. I get so anxious when I binge, I just want to get rid immediately.

I have a history of self harm too. Yesterday I cut, I don't even know why, I'm in a weird head space at the minute :s It probably has a lot to do with my uncle passing, its his funeral next week, I'm completely dreading it.

Oddly I seem to be comfortable when I'm on a downer, I think that's become the norm so its what I'm used to. Who knows. All I know is when I'm on a high I kinda go a bit nuts, hyper even, and I'm sure I make others around me uncomfortable because I never shut up and I behave like I'm high or something!

Anyhoo I haven't posted my weight for a while so here it is duh duh duh!! 221.6lbs
Its not good
I've missed my last couple of goals massively.
I wanted to be around 217 by now ):
9.4lbs lost in 15 days
When I see it written down I think it looks good but when you look at me and realise my body looks no different then its crap!

Keep calm and carry on

much love to all xxxx

Rant!

I apologise in advance but I'm going to vent!!!

I personally view this space as somewhere that I can say whats on my mind, how I'm feeling, whats happening in my life, how crap I'm feeling, what my new tactics are etc. Now I personally have had only lovely, motivational comments on my updates but there seems to be some people out there who just want to say shit stuff to put the blogger down. What the fuck?? Did your mother never teach you that if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all? I've noticed some of you guys have had pretty shitty comments on your blogs and its crap. I really don't understand why people comment with unhelpful sometimes mean things?! Whatever the blogger is saying, its not targeted at anyone, its not hurting anyone, its just what they are going through and its healthy to get it out of their heads. Stop saying horrible fucking things to put them down. Arrgghh. Rant over.

PS anyone getting hasstle tell them to fuck right off (or send them my way and I will!)

Furthermore I'm having a shit day and apparently an angry one too.... You have to ride the rough with the smooth. Tomorrows another day :)

Much love to everyone, stay strong, you're all beautiful people

mwah xxxxxxx

Great day!

Today has been fab, the best in quite literally months! Foodwise I'm under 100kcal for the day and its nearly 5.30pm plus I'm not even hungry. I have an event on Saturday that I want to look my best for so a few more days like today and I'll be sorted.

Also today I met up with an old friend that I haven't seen in months and it was really nice. There was no food involved. It was just a chance to catch up and I loved it.

The best thing by far today is that I've received my results for my first year at the Open University and I passed with distinction!!! Yay!!!!!!!!

I'm the sort of person who plays down how well I think I've done just in case I really didn't do well but in this case I genuinely believed I'd failed, I was far from happy with the last essay I handed in, I thought it was absolute rubbish! To know I've succeeded at something I really care about is such a boost for me, I'm not a failure!!!

I'm sorry to see some of you guys are going through some hard times, I hope it turns around for you soon. Much love and happiness xxxxx

:(

I was just mistaken for a pregnant person. Enough said

222

Yesterday I went for a very long walk, 8.8miles according to google pedometer. This should have burnt about 1000kcal according to another site. Great right? Except that my body started screaming out for food obviously as it had burnt through its reserves. I was literally starving hungry. So I ended up eating a lot more than I'd usually eat and I once again felt out of control with food.

I think I'll keep my walks to 5 miles or less because this is easily manageable for me and it doesnt really affect my hunger level therefore giving me the optimum weight loss.

Today I'm going to an airshow which should be fun. I'll have to avoid all of the sweet goodies but theres plenty going on there to preoccupy me. Plus its a couple of miles to get there so theres my exercise for the day too :)

hope everyones well xxxxx

222.4

I have no clue how this number has occurred! I ate around 800kcal yesterday and I didnt even get a chance to go for a walk due to more family get togethers. I must have been retaining fluid I guess. This does make sense I suppose. Pizza Hut and Mcdonalds are so salty, my body's probably retained the fluid because of that junk.

This takes my loss to 8.6lbs in 10 days. I know deep down that this is an amazing achievement but its not enough. No matter what I lose its never enough. I can always find ways in which I could have done better, could have exercised more or could have avoided that 100kcal. Its so demoralising to know that I'll never be happy or proud of my accomplishments. I'm still fat.

Anyway I am going to go for a walk today, just see how far I get. I really need to exercise more, get off my lazy butt!

Thank you everyone for the lovely comments and advice you've been leaving, you are all helping me so much xxxx

225

FUCK!

I cant believe I've put on 2.2lbs in the last couple of days. I HATE pizza hut. Fat bastards!!! I didnt have enough laxatives left to rid my body of that junk. Because I've abused them for a while I now need a much bigger dose for them to work and I only had a couple left

Today I'm taking back control. Today not one person is going to stand in my way. No one!

I'm going to walk my dogs legs off later on. I'm going to aim for a seven mile walk if not more depending on time constraints. I love walking, I can quite literally walk to the end of the earth. I bought some proper hiking boots a few weeks ago and they make the whole process a lot more comfortable for my feet. I'm going to walk off that two pounds, walk, walk, walk till I shrink.

I'm angry about this weight gain but its motivating me to work so much harder. Strong mind. strong body

I hope eveyones well xxxxx

Eating is an emotional crutch

I learnt something quite important today... My whole family uses food as a coping mechanism for their problems ie the bereavement. To an extent, its a behaviour I've learnt from them.

It got to 5pm and my calorie intake was at 80kcal and I was feeling very strong. Then my family land on my doorstep saying that they'd ordered a tonne of pizza hut goodies and we were going to watch a film and just be with each other. I was put into an impossible situation. I tried to make out that I'd already eaten but they guilt tripped me saying how important family is especially at this time and how we never get together to eat any more. So the truth is I didnt handle it well. We shared things about my uncle, I got very upset again and the food was right under my nose so I ate it. I cant even say what I've eaten, it was a bit of a frenzy. Now they've gone and I feel blue again. Every time I think of him I cry.

I really dont want to make this all about me but I'm so tired of shit stuff happening to test my strength because I always fail. Food is my friend and my enemy. In truth food is nothing more than fuel but for whatever reason it signifies a lot more to me.

Will I ever beat this?

I'm not so sure.

In this situation I would have purged immediately to rid my stomach of this crap but they've only just left and its been too long now so I'll just have to use the few laxatives I have left.

Life sucks right now.

Really sucks.

I havent been this low in a very long time.

Ps I apologise for being a depressive mess, hopefully I'll be up again soon xxx

224

So I'm up 1.2lbs from yesterday, hardly surprising considering how sucky yesterday was. When I went to sleep last night I kept waking up with horrible indigestion from the crappy food I ate. This in itself is a deterrent from that kind of eating behaviour, I'm very grumpy when I have disturbed sleep!

Todays a new day. Unfortunately I've woken up feeling like its going to be a hard day and I'm probably right. This is me at my weakest because when I have a big binge one day I generally continue that through for a few days and fuck up all the progress I've made so far. I need to keep myself busy so that I dont think about food. I think I'll write out a list of things to do today to keep me focused.

Urgh

Hope everyones achieving what you set out to today xxx

Silence

My uncle died today.

He was 59.

I dont know how many calories I've eaten. I've had doughnuts and some Mcdonalds to quite simply sedate me from this pain.

I weighed 222.8lbs this morning but tomorrow I'll probably weigh 10 more lbs. This is shit.

Fat fictions

So I've actually thought of a benefit of being fat!!! With my regained restrictive behaviours I've been questioned by a family member.... "Why are you refusing food so often? You're not anorexic are you?!" to which I replied "Do I look anorexic?!" Reply "Haha! Yeah you're right!" RESULT! I'm under the radar!

On a sadder note my depressive state of mind has been heckling me all day, I'm fat and I'll always be fat, I'm stupid to believe I can actually achieve my goals, I'm weak etc. Unfortunately I believed it for a while and binged :( The positive thing I can take from this day is that I stopped mid binge which is HUGE for me. My total kcal intake for today is just under 1000 which is double what I aim for but is about 1/5 of what I would normally hit when I binge. Its a day of mixed feelings.

Tomorrow should be fun. I'm going to Lightwater Valley the theme park. That means loadsa walking about, little time to eat and I'm preparing my own lunch so I wont have to buy the fast food crap they sell. Also I can pretend sickness from the rides if someone questions my mini meal :)

Thank you so much for the support you guys are sending me, it means more than you can imagine xxxx Also its bizarre to think that you poor souls are reading the crap I mindlessly type!! xxxx

223.6

I've stayed the same from yesterday... My body has a tendency to do this, it loses quite a bit for a few days then it stays the same for a couple of days and starts losing again after that. This will potentially affect saturdays weight goal depending on how long I'm stuck for. Hmmmmmm......

I'm unsure of what to do today foodwise. I try to keep my kcal intake to below 500 every day. I know if I spread these kcal out over the day say over 5 or 6 meals I'd see a bigger loss due to maintaining my metabolism throughout the day. In theory this makes sense however I have a binge problem and when I start to eat I sometimes struggle to stop. So if I say save my kcal for later this afternoon when I'll be most hungry then at least I can eat enough to satisfy me for 500kcal or less. But then if I eat throughout the day my hunger will be more bearable and it should hopefully allow me to avoid binging. Grrrrrrr. Its a gamble. I just dont trust myself.

Hope everyones well

xxxx

*******UPDATE*******

Its 14.12 and so far today I've had coffee with sugar 50kcals and egg white on one slice of toast 100kcal

I'm really going to give this eating throughout the day thing a go. I need to shift this weight asap and if this is the way to do it then I'll just have to tape my mouth shut to avoid binges!

Hello World

Hi.

I've been reading a few blogs and gained so much inspiration and motivation from them that I decided to give it a go.

I feel that I should first and foremost say that I'm messed up. I have a horrible relationship with food and I embark on potentially dangerous quests in order to achieve the body beautiful. If you disagree with my methods please discontinue reading this as I'm stuck in my ways and will do whatever I please!

Its 14.51 and I've not eaten a thing. I've had diet coke and water and thats it. I'm currently punishing myself for yesterdays binge at the local takeaway of garlic bread, chicken curry and chips. I have to be firmer on myself and learn theres consequences to my actions as I too often allow myself to get away with anything and everything.

I have been undergoing a serious restrictive diet for the past 5 days and have so far lost 7.4lbs. I counteracted yesterdays binge with a dose of laxatives and I'm drinking as much fluid as possible to rehydrate my body. Thats another reason why I'm not eating a thing today as the results from laxative abuse can be short lived.

My weight this morning was 223.6lbs (URGH!)

I know this is a huge number and it makes me want to rip my stomach right out so I never have to eat again but to be frank it is what it is and I'm taking back my life.

Heres some little goals I've set myself:-

By sat 30th (5 days time) I'll weigh under 220lbs (3.6lbs to lose)

By the following sat (12 days time) I'll weigh 215lbs (8.6lbs to lose)

Then I'll only have 15lbs to drop to reach my first goal weight of 200lbs.

Thank you all so much for your blogs, I think every single one of you are amazing and strong and help me stay strong

xxxxxxx