I learnt something quite important today... My whole family uses food as a coping mechanism for their problems ie the bereavement. To an extent, its a behaviour I've learnt from them.
It got to 5pm and my calorie intake was at 80kcal and I was feeling very strong. Then my family land on my doorstep saying that they'd ordered a tonne of pizza hut goodies and we were going to watch a film and just be with each other. I was put into an impossible situation. I tried to make out that I'd already eaten but they guilt tripped me saying how important family is especially at this time and how we never get together to eat any more. So the truth is I didnt handle it well. We shared things about my uncle, I got very upset again and the food was right under my nose so I ate it. I cant even say what I've eaten, it was a bit of a frenzy. Now they've gone and I feel blue again. Every time I think of him I cry.
I really dont want to make this all about me but I'm so tired of shit stuff happening to test my strength because I always fail. Food is my friend and my enemy. In truth food is nothing more than fuel but for whatever reason it signifies a lot more to me.
Will I ever beat this?
I'm not so sure.
In this situation I would have purged immediately to rid my stomach of this crap but they've only just left and its been too long now so I'll just have to use the few laxatives I have left.
Life sucks right now.
Really sucks.
I havent been this low in a very long time.
Ps I apologise for being a depressive mess, hopefully I'll be up again soon xxx
Yeah I know the feeling.. I am an emotional eater and after all the stress yesterday, I binged on chinese food.. yuck.. But today.. Nothing :D I slept most of the day.. and I'm actually a lot better than I was last night... I have found my ultimate inspiration and no one or nothing is ever going to get in my way.. I have to prove I can do this.. not only to myself, but to my boyfriend, my family, and everyone. And I hate food... I don't eat.. food makes me feel sick... But there comes those waves of depression or anxiety and binging is the only thing that makes it go away :( I'm fine til I feel the need to binge :(
ReplyDeleteBut! enough about me.. You can do it! And I'll be here every step of the way.. YOu have to have bad days in order to have good ones, so scratch this off the list of bad days and good ones are soon to come!