222

Yesterday I went for a very long walk, 8.8miles according to google pedometer. This should have burnt about 1000kcal according to another site. Great right? Except that my body started screaming out for food obviously as it had burnt through its reserves. I was literally starving hungry. So I ended up eating a lot more than I'd usually eat and I once again felt out of control with food.

I think I'll keep my walks to 5 miles or less because this is easily manageable for me and it doesnt really affect my hunger level therefore giving me the optimum weight loss.

Today I'm going to an airshow which should be fun. I'll have to avoid all of the sweet goodies but theres plenty going on there to preoccupy me. Plus its a couple of miles to get there so theres my exercise for the day too :)

hope everyones well xxxxx

222.4

I have no clue how this number has occurred! I ate around 800kcal yesterday and I didnt even get a chance to go for a walk due to more family get togethers. I must have been retaining fluid I guess. This does make sense I suppose. Pizza Hut and Mcdonalds are so salty, my body's probably retained the fluid because of that junk.

This takes my loss to 8.6lbs in 10 days. I know deep down that this is an amazing achievement but its not enough. No matter what I lose its never enough. I can always find ways in which I could have done better, could have exercised more or could have avoided that 100kcal. Its so demoralising to know that I'll never be happy or proud of my accomplishments. I'm still fat.

Anyway I am going to go for a walk today, just see how far I get. I really need to exercise more, get off my lazy butt!

Thank you everyone for the lovely comments and advice you've been leaving, you are all helping me so much xxxx

225

FUCK!

I cant believe I've put on 2.2lbs in the last couple of days. I HATE pizza hut. Fat bastards!!! I didnt have enough laxatives left to rid my body of that junk. Because I've abused them for a while I now need a much bigger dose for them to work and I only had a couple left

Today I'm taking back control. Today not one person is going to stand in my way. No one!

I'm going to walk my dogs legs off later on. I'm going to aim for a seven mile walk if not more depending on time constraints. I love walking, I can quite literally walk to the end of the earth. I bought some proper hiking boots a few weeks ago and they make the whole process a lot more comfortable for my feet. I'm going to walk off that two pounds, walk, walk, walk till I shrink.

I'm angry about this weight gain but its motivating me to work so much harder. Strong mind. strong body

I hope eveyones well xxxxx

Eating is an emotional crutch

I learnt something quite important today... My whole family uses food as a coping mechanism for their problems ie the bereavement. To an extent, its a behaviour I've learnt from them.

It got to 5pm and my calorie intake was at 80kcal and I was feeling very strong. Then my family land on my doorstep saying that they'd ordered a tonne of pizza hut goodies and we were going to watch a film and just be with each other. I was put into an impossible situation. I tried to make out that I'd already eaten but they guilt tripped me saying how important family is especially at this time and how we never get together to eat any more. So the truth is I didnt handle it well. We shared things about my uncle, I got very upset again and the food was right under my nose so I ate it. I cant even say what I've eaten, it was a bit of a frenzy. Now they've gone and I feel blue again. Every time I think of him I cry.

I really dont want to make this all about me but I'm so tired of shit stuff happening to test my strength because I always fail. Food is my friend and my enemy. In truth food is nothing more than fuel but for whatever reason it signifies a lot more to me.

Will I ever beat this?

I'm not so sure.

In this situation I would have purged immediately to rid my stomach of this crap but they've only just left and its been too long now so I'll just have to use the few laxatives I have left.

Life sucks right now.

Really sucks.

I havent been this low in a very long time.

Ps I apologise for being a depressive mess, hopefully I'll be up again soon xxx

224

So I'm up 1.2lbs from yesterday, hardly surprising considering how sucky yesterday was. When I went to sleep last night I kept waking up with horrible indigestion from the crappy food I ate. This in itself is a deterrent from that kind of eating behaviour, I'm very grumpy when I have disturbed sleep!

Todays a new day. Unfortunately I've woken up feeling like its going to be a hard day and I'm probably right. This is me at my weakest because when I have a big binge one day I generally continue that through for a few days and fuck up all the progress I've made so far. I need to keep myself busy so that I dont think about food. I think I'll write out a list of things to do today to keep me focused.

Urgh

Hope everyones achieving what you set out to today xxx

Silence

My uncle died today.

He was 59.

I dont know how many calories I've eaten. I've had doughnuts and some Mcdonalds to quite simply sedate me from this pain.

I weighed 222.8lbs this morning but tomorrow I'll probably weigh 10 more lbs. This is shit.

Fat fictions

So I've actually thought of a benefit of being fat!!! With my regained restrictive behaviours I've been questioned by a family member.... "Why are you refusing food so often? You're not anorexic are you?!" to which I replied "Do I look anorexic?!" Reply "Haha! Yeah you're right!" RESULT! I'm under the radar!

On a sadder note my depressive state of mind has been heckling me all day, I'm fat and I'll always be fat, I'm stupid to believe I can actually achieve my goals, I'm weak etc. Unfortunately I believed it for a while and binged :( The positive thing I can take from this day is that I stopped mid binge which is HUGE for me. My total kcal intake for today is just under 1000 which is double what I aim for but is about 1/5 of what I would normally hit when I binge. Its a day of mixed feelings.

Tomorrow should be fun. I'm going to Lightwater Valley the theme park. That means loadsa walking about, little time to eat and I'm preparing my own lunch so I wont have to buy the fast food crap they sell. Also I can pretend sickness from the rides if someone questions my mini meal :)

Thank you so much for the support you guys are sending me, it means more than you can imagine xxxx Also its bizarre to think that you poor souls are reading the crap I mindlessly type!! xxxx

223.6

I've stayed the same from yesterday... My body has a tendency to do this, it loses quite a bit for a few days then it stays the same for a couple of days and starts losing again after that. This will potentially affect saturdays weight goal depending on how long I'm stuck for. Hmmmmmm......

I'm unsure of what to do today foodwise. I try to keep my kcal intake to below 500 every day. I know if I spread these kcal out over the day say over 5 or 6 meals I'd see a bigger loss due to maintaining my metabolism throughout the day. In theory this makes sense however I have a binge problem and when I start to eat I sometimes struggle to stop. So if I say save my kcal for later this afternoon when I'll be most hungry then at least I can eat enough to satisfy me for 500kcal or less. But then if I eat throughout the day my hunger will be more bearable and it should hopefully allow me to avoid binging. Grrrrrrr. Its a gamble. I just dont trust myself.

Hope everyones well

xxxx

*******UPDATE*******

Its 14.12 and so far today I've had coffee with sugar 50kcals and egg white on one slice of toast 100kcal

I'm really going to give this eating throughout the day thing a go. I need to shift this weight asap and if this is the way to do it then I'll just have to tape my mouth shut to avoid binges!

Hello World

Hi.

I've been reading a few blogs and gained so much inspiration and motivation from them that I decided to give it a go.

I feel that I should first and foremost say that I'm messed up. I have a horrible relationship with food and I embark on potentially dangerous quests in order to achieve the body beautiful. If you disagree with my methods please discontinue reading this as I'm stuck in my ways and will do whatever I please!

Its 14.51 and I've not eaten a thing. I've had diet coke and water and thats it. I'm currently punishing myself for yesterdays binge at the local takeaway of garlic bread, chicken curry and chips. I have to be firmer on myself and learn theres consequences to my actions as I too often allow myself to get away with anything and everything.

I have been undergoing a serious restrictive diet for the past 5 days and have so far lost 7.4lbs. I counteracted yesterdays binge with a dose of laxatives and I'm drinking as much fluid as possible to rehydrate my body. Thats another reason why I'm not eating a thing today as the results from laxative abuse can be short lived.

My weight this morning was 223.6lbs (URGH!)

I know this is a huge number and it makes me want to rip my stomach right out so I never have to eat again but to be frank it is what it is and I'm taking back my life.

Heres some little goals I've set myself:-

By sat 30th (5 days time) I'll weigh under 220lbs (3.6lbs to lose)

By the following sat (12 days time) I'll weigh 215lbs (8.6lbs to lose)

Then I'll only have 15lbs to drop to reach my first goal weight of 200lbs.

Thank you all so much for your blogs, I think every single one of you are amazing and strong and help me stay strong

xxxxxxx